You know, I ask myself this all of the time so it’s completely logical for you to ask the same question. I have struggled with self-esteem and self-worth for as far back as I am able to remember. I wasn’t born that way. I wasn’t born questioning who I am and what right did I have to walk this Earth. I was born an open vessel of love and happiness, it was through my experience of the world in which I was taught to dislike myself and question everything about myself. Why am I here? Why do I have to suffer this pain?
Sound familiar? Comment below and let me know “I hear you sister!”
Perhaps you are one of the most fortunate few who didn’t have this kind of experience and if you are, comment below and tell me. I love hearing beautiful stories from other people’s childhoods on the rare occasions where I’ve met someone who had a truly loving upbringing.
The first thing I want to say is, I am grateful. I am grateful for every wonderful, horrific, happy, sad and in between moment I’ve been through in my 52 years on this planet. It may seem odd to you if you’re just beginning your own Spiritual journey to say I have gratitude for horrible things which have happened to me. “Why, Maria? Why would you say that?”
Here’s why… without the horrible moments, how in the world would I know what peace felt like? Without the sad moments, how would I know what true happiness felt like? Experiencing both the good and the bad allowed me to know what each feels like so I could identify them for myself. Yin and Yang. Would I have liked for some experiences to be less painful? Hell yes I would, but that’s not the soul contract I chose to fulfill in this life. I chose in this life to live some very painful moments which sent me inward in my life to have a lack of trust for men and women alike. However, because of those moments, I also know what pure joy feels like. The moment each one of my children were born and the moment my youngest child was handed to me when she was just 17 months old through adoption. Being rendered speechless by the Universe at the stunning beauty of each one knowing you have been entrusted to raise this child is incomprehensible some days. (Especially on the days you think “what the hell have I done when they’re having a temper tantrum.”)
And before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, please know I’m not saying you *had* to experience horrific things in order to know happiness. What I am saying is that this is how it worked for me. I can only draw from my own experiences. I try very hard not to make generalized statements, but that’s not to say I don’t ever do it. We all make mistakes.
You will learn over the course of this blog I don’t pull any punches. I am very upfront and say things like it is, no sugar coating. I truly wish I learned things the easy way, my Spirit Guides get pretty frustrated with me some days because of it. If someone sugar coats something for me, I don’t usually understand. Bluntness works for me. I also cuss, a lot. The F-bomb is my favorite word. Ever. I am one of those people who believes the word only has power if you allow it to have power. It’s just a word for me.. an adjective, a noun, a verb (my favorite)… take your pick.
Life is too fucking short (see?) for me to continually worry about what people think about me anymore. I surpassed that a few years ago when I started on my Spiritual path. The minute my family found out I was a medium and into energy healing, working with herbs, learning about Paganism, Witchcraft and anything non-Baptist related, I was labeled a weirdo-freak. As I write this, I do so with a smile on my face because I am at peace with who I am.
Who even knew that was possible?
LMAO, I almost posted this and realized I didn’t answer my own question. I squirrel a LOT with random thoughts. This will be important for you to know. Someone usually has to remind me to get back on topic.
Who do I think I am? I am Maria Michelle Leggett, born in 1969 so I am 52 years of age. I have been married FOUR times, can you believe that shit? FOUR! I laugh at this myself because three of my marriages occurred by the time I was 25. I met my last husband in 1998 (even with a “we were on a break” moment – a little Friends humor) and we’ve been together since for almost 23 years in April 2021. I have four children with 3 different biological fathers. My favorite line EVER is to tell people I don’t even know the bio father of my youngest (she’s internationally adopted). Literally, I almost piss myself laughing watching the faces of judgmental people. If you’re going to judge me on my past, I cannot be of service to you nor is this the blog/business for you. I am not my past. I am my now, my present, my today. Nothing more, nothing less.
I am a Warrior Survivor of childhood sexual molestation. I have experienced all of tumultuous pain and anguish which accompanies these memories. I have suppressed the memories, brought them out to great pain, then ignored the pain and ate a ton of food to pretend it didn’t happen. Finally a few years ago I decided enough was enough. I stood in the middle of the shit and allowed it to overwhelm me so I could work through every single memory I had until the memories no longer defined who I am.
I define who I am.
And THAT my friends, is who the hell I know I am.